


candles burning low

by confusednp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Christmas, M/M, i’m jewish but here’s a heartwarming christmas tale, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 13:54:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16955313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confusednp/pseuds/confusednp
Summary: “Holidays aren’t easy for me, you know? Don’t you hear what they’re saying, all the time? And you never do anything.”His mother clasped his shoulder. “They love you. You only get one set of family, Dan.”





	candles burning low

“And that ex-boyfriend of hers,” Dan’s aunt lowered her voice. “Probably a queer if you ask me.”

The family assembled around her laughed, draped over their couches and armchairs. Dan just grit his teeth as the wooden back of his chair dug into his spine.

Distantly, he thought his father’s just asked if he’d like another mince pie, but Dan wasn’t listening.

He’d rather have been anywhere else right now. Up in his room replaying Guild Wars for the fourth time, or filming with the camera he’d just gotten for Christmas. Or wrapped up in Phil’s arms somewhere in an old house in Manchester.

He blinked the rush of wetness out of his eyes. This wasn’t the time or the place; there was a house full of relatives and a festive season to celebrate. He just couldn’t help how heavy everything felt. 

He was surrounded by the family that’s supposed to have loved him since he was little, and he’d never felt more alone in his life. It’s not that they treat him poorly, it’s just the little things that he’s only noticing now. 

Like when his cousin Henry arrived three days ago and pushed Dan’s greeting hug away, muttering, “Gay.”

Or when Aunt Phyllis has drank a little too much mulled wine and loudly declared her discomfort with the bill up in Parliament legalizing same-sex marriage. “It’s just unnatural,” she’d said. “If they want to live like that, fine, but don’t push it on us.” Dan’s stomach had twisted painfully at that one.

He wished for the millionth time that he wasn’t the way he was. Girls were lovely yes, and he liked them. Surely he could live a happy life married to one, he told himself. If only he could ignore half of the “bi” in “bisexual.”

Dan watched the embers glow in the fireplace across the room as they slowly burnt away to nothing. That’s how he feels when he thinks about boys. Like he could crumble away under how much he feels for them. It isn’t shameful to love boys; he knew that. He scared himself with how much he loves them. One in particular, one pair of blue eyes and one voice that’s octaves deeper than he’s used to. He wished so much that his heart didn’t flip over every time he thought about Phil.

Phil.

The perfect escape from his family. If he could just sneak upstairs and Skype him now, everything would be okay. 

Dan glanced at the coffee table where a dozen odd relatives were talking. As long as nobody noticed him leaving, he was golden. He’d just gotten a foot on the lowest stair when a voice made him jump.

“Daniel.” He turned around

“Mum,” Dan said, trying to paste a pleasant look on his face.

His mother shook her head. “Not tonight, please. It’s Christmas.”

“I don’t want-” his voice cracked. “I can’t be around them right now.”

His mum’s gaze softened. “Why not? They’re family.”

“I know.” Dan sat down on the step, bowing his head to hide his watery eyes. He didn’t need his mother to watch him cry on Christmas of all nights.

A foot belonging to his mum nudged his side. “Budge over, you,” she said, lowering herself to sit beside him with some difficulty. “Do you want to tell me what this is really about?”

Dan shook his head a little. “I don’t even know.” A hot tear fell and soaked into his jumper. 

“Love, it’s okay to hurt sometimes.” His mum pulled her sleeve over her hand and dabbed softly at the wetness on his face. For some reason the soft wool on his cheek made him cry even harder. Chest heaving, he looked up at her. She smiled sadly. “I wish you’d tell me why.”

Dan’s lower lip trembled. “I can’t.”

She looked resigned. “I know.” 

“Just give me a little time,” he begged. “Please?”

The sigh he got in response was enough of an answer. Something hot rose in Dan’s chest. “Holidays aren’t easy for me, you know? Don’t you hear what they’re saying, all the time? And you never do anything.”

His mother clasped his shoulder. “They love you. You only get one set of family, Dan.”

“That’s not the set I want.” He shrugged her off and stood up.

“Daniel.” He took a step up. “Just listen to me, for once.”

Dan leaned on the banister.

“I don’t know what’s bothering you, and I never will if you don’t just tell me.” She sounded exasperated. “And I can’t understand everything about you, but I know you’re different.”

He stared at the wall above her head, at the reindeer on her sweater, anywhere but her face. “How would you know that?”

Her smile was tired. “I raised you. I have some inkling of who you are.”

Dan’s grip on the banister tightened. “I’m not ready to talk about all of this right now.”

“I know you’re not, and I’m not going to push it on you. But when you’re ready, you’ll come to me,” she said simply.

His nose burned like he was going to cry again. “You seem like you have it all figured out. Like it’s all that easy.”

“It’s not that easy. But you’re my child. If you’re flying blind it’s my job to help you find the way.” Flying blind was a good way to describe the storm he was living in right now. “Now come on,” his mum stood to leave. “We have a house full of people to entertain.”

Dan felt his heart tug a little somewhere inside his chest. He didn’t want to end like this. “Mum?”

She turned back. 

“I love you.” Her eyebrows raised in shock a little, and she looked at him with something heavy in her eyes. She bit her lip. 

“Fifteen minutes, okay? Then you’re back downstairs with the rest of us.”

Dan’s heart swelled. “Thank you.”

His mum nodded. She said, “I’ll hold present opening until you’re ready,” and walked back into the family room. Dan bounded upstairs quietly on socked feet, and shut his door behind him.

The loading bloops of Skype instantly calmed him. He was Pavlov’s dog at this point. Pavlov’s boyfriend, he thought wryly.

The fuzzy screen finally loaded all the way over in Rawtenstall, revealing a pixelated mop of black hair.

“Dan!”

Dan shifted his laptop onto his knees.

“Hi! Sorry to interrupt your- wait.” He squinted at the screen. “Are you in your bathroom?”

Phil gave an overdramatic sigh of relief. “Only place to escape the Lester clan. Friendly bunch, but oh God, the baby stories…”

“Sounds nice, honestly.”

“Yeah?” Phil froze momentarily. “-here.”

“What? Sorry, shit connection, I didn’t hear.”

He laughed. “I was just saying that I wish you were here.”

Dan choked up. “I do too.”

“What’s wrong?” Phil frowned.

Dan shook his head. “It’s nothing. I just really wish I was there instead of here.”

“Family stuff?”

Phil knew him too well.

Dan sniffed. “Isn’t it always?”

“Are they saying things again? Like what you told me about?” 

“They never stop.”

Phil leaned into the webcam, his pixelated image growing closer. “I’m so sorry, Dan.”

“I just wish… we could have Christmas together. Or a New Years kiss, or anything where I can see you a touch you and not have to worry that you’ll freeze.”

Phil was silent for a long time. “We don’t get that stuff right now. Yet.”

Dan laughed wetly. “I sense a ‘but’ coming.”

“But,” Phil continued. “Somehow without those things, I’m still the luckiest person alive. And when you move here for uni, we’ll get to do everything we wished we could’ve.”

“We’ll throw stupid dinner parties for our friends.”

“Yes.” Phil looked delighted. “The stupidest ones! And nobody’s going to show up and we’ll eat all the pizza ourselves.”

“We can put up a Christmas tree together.”

“We can do the whole kiss on New Year business.”

“We might even film a second phil is not on fire.”

Phil giggled and his tongue did that dumb, adorable thing it always did when he laughed. “We can go to Japan together someday.”

“Someday,” Dan agreed. 

“But get through this for now. Couple weeks and we’ll see each other again.” Warmth filled Dan’s entire body. Two weeks was no time at all.

“Dan!” His brother called from the bottom of the stairs.

“Hold on,” he said to Phil. 

“Yeah?” He responded.

“Mum asked if you want to play Clue with us. I’ll let you be Professor Plum if you want.”

“Go on,” Phil said. “We have hours to Skype. Come back when Clue is done.”

“Always.”

Phil blew a kiss to the webcam “I love you.”

Dan made a heart with his hands. “Love you back.”

Phil ended the call, and Dan stood up and stretched. He could already hear the kids fighting over who got to be Miss Scarlett.

His brother was waiting at the base of the steps. “I think we’d better get in there before a war breaks out,” he whispered.

“Your call.” Dan lightly punched his arm. “But I’m holding you to the Professor Plum thing. 

His brother grinned. “Not if I get there first.”

“Come back you little jerk!”

Even as Dan chased him through the family room, he couldn’t help but think that this was how Christmas was supposed to feel.

This is how it would feel from now on, he decided. He thought Phil would agree.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @hanukkahphan


End file.
